And... it has finally happened.
I never thought there'd be an ending to camp for me; I thought it would always just be a part of me, no matter the emotion I felt as I looked back on my memories. They are my memories, and up until now, I've always thought of camp as a little bit mine. But I wasn't asked back, I didn't apply for a new position, and there are people who want my old job (which doesn't exist anymore, according to the website- Carl, during all his time at the ranch last summer, decided to propose a new structure at the barn. Apparently they are giving it a whirl, despite my alternate suggestions). I know I'm being too sensitive, but I feel like they took every suggestion I made (that I couldn't complete myself while there) and did the opposite. Just one example: I suggested we construct a tin roof over the hitching area to give the horses some shade. John liked this idea until it cost more than Home Depot was donating. So his new idea was to build a petting zoo. First of all, you have an arthritic pig and cystic, wobbly goat that need to be put down, as they are gross and scare small children. But maintenance loves them too much, so we'll just keep the half-dead eye sores around.
Ugh. But that nonsense isn't the point.
The point is that even though I never had any intention of returning, it is just now hitting me that I'm not going back to camp. I'm scared that things I changed and started at the barn will be undone and finished, as to erase that I was ever there. All I ever wanted to do was leave a positive mark on the program, foster a few new traditions, and bring back campers who will ask if Ali is there.
Matt, how did you do this? I only spent two summers at camp, and this is killing me.
But this is the end of the trail for me, and I am just now coming to terms with it. I'm sorry it took me so long, but I have finally arrived; I understand that I am not a part of a place I put so much into, and that I am unwanted by those I worked so hard for.
I am no longer Ranch Kid, I am no longer a Black Lister. I am unaffiliated.
Spending the day considering a new signoff,
AMK
"It seems that the greatest difficulty is to find the end. Don't try to find it, it's there already."
Tom Cora
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4 comments:
That's the funny thing isn't it? You know you had an influence if they start deleting things you did immediately. Ask Erik. His job didn't even exist last summer which has got to be the best case of cutting off the nose to spite the face I've seen in a while. You can also ask Mariah, Jolie, Anjan, Karen, or any number of people. It must feel good to know the best way to do every job.
I just assume the place doesn't much resemble what I helped build any more so it's easy to be separate now.
I know I didn't do anything wrong, so it's easy to handle now.
Your old job is still there...Jessie Rogner has it now. Also, in case you even care, the goat is dead so it won't be an "eye sore" for the kids this summer.
anonymous, who are you? you spent nearly an hour on my blog today.
That's kinda creepy.....
But yeah, I totally agree with you matt. I don't even want to work at camp just because things were left terribly and I felt that I was treated differently than others there....( those of you that remember me talking about this during the summer) I know that the program that I started will be taken over by some lifeguard and taken to the grave....No one will be as patient nor as understanding of the whole thing, and it will be ruined....
Well ,there goes MY rant for this week....(j/k matt you will be able to eat kit's hat soon)
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