Empty Threats

Remember that time I told you I almost maced some sucker because I mistook his cellphone for a gun? This would lead you to believe that I am always aware of my surroundings and lead a safe life (or as safe as possible) in this pretty little ghetto.

Welp, apparently all it takes is a few shots if tequila (my favorite) and I own the world. Or at least the north side.

Here is the dilemma. The bar closes at 1:30am. The McDonalds dining room closes at midnight. The golden arches refuse service to anybody not in a car, as made perfectly clear in the posters displayed in the drive-thru windows reading, "No Walk Ups." These posters were obviously prompted by drunk kids trying to "walk up."

I have a memory from freshmen year of getting into a "car formation" with three other friends; we lined up with a driver, passenger, and two people in the back seat. Unfortunately for us, the sensor (that lets employees know of a car waiting to order) is magical and mystical and knew we weren't a real automobile. Blows my mind. We were in formation and everything! Mind you, as we are pretending to be a Ford Taurus the rest of the parking lot is chock full of other bar-goers desperate for some salty fries and chicken selects. Finally, we timid frosh got the nerve to tap on the window and politely ask for some tasty treats, and they served us.

Oh, how the times have changed. Apparently those posters mean business.

Here is my story.

Tequila: check
(here is where I would like to add other factors contributing to my behavior, but... all it takes is tequila.)

George, Kathryn and I leave the bar and have to pass McDonalds to get home. We want some. It is too late, the dining room is closed.

Not for Ali Kelly. I decide those posters don't apply to me. I tap on the drive-thru window. They ignore me. I knock. They ignore me. I bang on the window. The male manager walks over and opens up, quickly says, "No walk ups," and closes the window. But not before I could jam my arm in it to keep it open.

"Can we just have some fries please? And three double cheeseburgers?"
"No walk ups."
"I know, but this once. It's not hard."
"No walk ups."

*Deny Ali Kelly once, and all is forgiven. Deny Ali Kelly twice, and you are an idiot who has just unleashed a whole fit of sass and rage that could reduce a grown man to tears.

"Seriously?!?!? I know you have it in there? Why won't you just serve me?"
"Ma'am, we don't serve walk ups."
"OH, so I need a car to eat here? Is that what you are telling me?!?!?!"
"Yes ma'am."
"OH. OK. Really? I want to get this straight: you won't serve me unless I am in a car. Is that correct?"
"Yes."
"SERIOUSLY?!?! THAT IS DISCRIMINATION AND I WON'T HAVE IT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! JUST GIMME SOME FRIES AND BURGERS! IT WON'T TAKE THAT LONG! YOU COULD HAVE ALREADY GIVEN ME THE GOODS, AND I COULD ALREADY BE OUT OF YOUR FACE! JUST STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE AND STOP DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR!"
"I'm sorry."
"YEAH, WELL YOU SHOULD BE. BECAUSE YOU JUST GOT YOURSELF A LAWSUIT! I AM SUING YOU FOR DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR. THIS IS BULLSHIT. Let me ask you something: do you think it would be easier to serve me, or go to court? Because I will seriously sue this establishment."
"OK. Sue us."
"SERIOUSLY? FINE. I WILL."

Then I walked to the front of the joint and waved down the first car that pulled into the drive-thru lane. I walked over, he rolled down his window.

"Hi. Can I get in? They won't serve me without a car."
"Sure."

Then I got into a male stranger's car. In the ghetto. While sober, I'll mace some muh-fucker with a cell phone. While inebriated, I'll crawl into the nearest vehicle on my quest for fried food. George and Kathryn were standing by the order-speaker-thing and they crawled into the back seat and we all got to talking, Our chauffeur's name was Milo, he was driving a new, red Focus, he was eastern European, has lived in Chi for ten years, and had been at the same bar as us. He was very nice. After we got our food, Kathryn said, "We're already in your car, surely you can drive us home." And he did. And that's that.

***Tonight I am going to a club (and I really don't like that whole scene, but the drinks are free and the tools who get all pomade-ed up will make for some good material... and victims). And get this... Euro Rifikki (the cheek-kissing, winking Polish delight from two nights ago) is going to be there. Can't wait to see what happens. And tomorrow night is Adriana's 21st birthday extravaganza, which is going to be both a hoot and a holler.

Can't wait to keep you updated, dear two readers.

peace, love, and ponies.

"I took down his license plate number in my phone just in case he took off with you."
-Kathryn