Cheers to youth and Chicago!

Okay, so you already know that I hate clubs. Sometimes I get talked into going if there are free drinks involved. Tonight, there were free drinks, so I went.

(insert night of $8 6oz drinks [once the promo was over] and not getting drunk fast enough, watching all the clubby douchebags think that they're awesome with their fake tans and pomade, etc).

So, I finally have enough vodka and then music gets good enough that I dance.

(insert 1.5 hour dance sequence in 5 inch heels [yes, I am honestly the tallest person in the damn place] with cheesy dance moves because we just can't take ourselves seriously, like all the tools surrounding us can).

Then all 9 of us walked out, deciding to get two cabs. Each fare will be about $25 dollars w/o tip. So, we're looking at $60 for two fares with tip. Just outside was a limo. A limo that would fit 9 people. So he said, "$60 for all of you to Rogers Park."

Deal.

We climbed in, cranked the bad rap music, and drank coke and sprite out of champagne flutes while driving down Michigan Ave. We made at least 13 toasts to our ridiculous circumstance and each paid $8 to get from the meatpacking district to Rogers Park. That's a deal and a half, if I've ever seen one.

So anyways, here's to Chicago and being young and having just enough money to get by!

loving Chicago,
Ali

"$35 for the four of you." Limo driver, before the other five friends walked out.
"Yeah! Great!" -all my dumb drunk friends
"Fuck no. We'll pay $25." -me
"What?!? NO! We'll pay $30!" -dumb drunk friends
"Your negotiating friend is smart..." -limo driver

Blowing my Mind

My whole life, I have sang, "I looked around, lousy camel's all i found," to Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride."

Turns out, it's not a camel he found, it's a "candle."

Damn. This is seriously causing my world to shake and fall apart a little but.

loving chicago,
amk

"You don't know what we can see, why don't you tell your dreams to me, your fantasy will set you free."
-Duh

Thursday

first of all, a la MLA:

Day 1:

(everything was good til work)

Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice of sourdough with butter
Slice Key Lime Pie
Slice of sourdough with butter


Okay, so I was at work today (I'm a server at CPK in the Water Tower mall) and had already been phased and was about to walk out the door- it was 8:30 p.m. and we were to close in 30 minutes. Then a woman walked in and said she had a party of 35. She had a group of high school students from all over Africa who were on a trip across America. I was asked to stay, because there were only 2 servers left. (insert hectic frenzy of 3 servers dealing with 35 people, whom don't all speak English, and whom have different customs--- made for a difficult hour). Anyway, you could tell they were all really excited to be there, and very, very polite and friendly. When they were finished, we employees were all scattered around cleaning and such, and they stood up and started singing.

It was, hands down, the coolest thing I have ever heard. They all got together and were incredibly loud. I don't know how to describe it, and can't compare it to anything I have ever experienced, other than saying it felt like I was standing in the middle of the Lion King. (horrible comparison, I know).

Oh, also, R. Kelly came in today (no, he didn't pee on anybody). He sat at the counter (our bar) and was with some fat white man (obvs his lawyer) and a few other thugs. They all ordered bowls of soup. R. Kelly got a bowl of tortilla soup (I served it to him), pesto cream penne, and (get this) for a drink he got pineapple cranberry juice. Yeah. R. Kelly, huge, freaky thug, white du rag, huge blingy watch, and a pretty little pink drink. He comes in often and always tips 100%. He asked the bartender what my name was. I was waiting for him to hit on me, just so I could tell him off. But he didn't, so I didn't get the chance. BUT, a fellow server did get fired today because of sexual harassment against me. His name is Marco and he told me he would "make my life a living hell," last Sunday. (This is not the only thing he has done to me, but I don't really feel like naming all the different situations- basically, he's a short little asshole) I told the managers today, just so they would be aware, and they immediately said he was a goner. Good. He was a douchbag. Seriously- imagine every single stereotype about all the different kinds of douchebags, and then imagine all of them displayed by the same person. at one time. yeah, he was that bad.

well, that's all that happened on my thursday. what did you do today?

loving chicago,
AMK

"Ima pee on you like R. Kelly!"
-Darnell Humphrey, to KMFP when she wouldn't let him pee in her car... or something like that.

AMK = idiot

It has been too long. My life has been ridiculously humorous and busy lately. I think that weaning my usual sleep habit of 10 hours a night down to five hours has been the cause for the increase in humor--- think about it: less brain power, more stupid shit is bound to happen.

For example, today I was wasting some time between classes and went for a walk. I went to Oak St., which is like the 5th avenue of Chicago. I like going there and looking in the windows at Harry Winston and Graff. Especially Graff, because they are known for their Canary diamonds, and I LOVE Canary diamonds.

So, there I was (in my tattered, folded-over ugg boots with my jeans sloppily tucked in, an old thermal t-shirt and a puffer vest, my air-dried hair flying all over my face in the wind, and my aviators so smudged I can hardly see--- trying to convey that I didn't "belong" on this street. Unless you are covered in Prada, Lanvin, Gucci, Todds, etc., you don't "belong").

So anyway...

I'm standing in the window at Graff, imagining all the disgustingly inhumane things I would do/which pieces I would sell my soul for. Then, as I walked by the front door, I said, "I'm drooling over here!" to the security guard. He laughed, and watched me walk to the second window where I leaned in to look, and SMASHED my face on the window. The glass was so freaking clean that I couldn't even see it. I also have limited depth perception. I mean seriously. I have done this before, but usually I am moving so slowly that just my forehead taps the glass. But no, this time I was so damn excited about the damn sparkles that I just railed my face on a bulletproof window, leaving a trail of lip gloss and pride.

In other news, I have always been anti-Starbucks. For one, I cannot afford a $5 beverage. Secondly, I don't like the taste of their coffee anyways- I think it tastes burnt. I have been petitioning my dad to open a Tim Horton's in Chicago for the past two years, but he isn't sold on the idea. However, yesterday I was reading the RedEye and came across a Starbucks promotion coupon. They gave out cards that get you a free tall Pike Place Roast (their new house blend) coffee every wednesday from now until the end of May. Not one to turn down free anything, today I marched in and held up my card and got my free coffee. And I liked it. It doesn't taste burnt. It tastes like good coffee. It also gave me the biggest caffeine buzz I've had since I used to down 5-6 cups of coffee every morning at camp. So, I guess all I'm really trying to say is that my opinion has changed. Yay for Starbucks Pike Place Roast.

loving Chicago,
AMK

"In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

Hellatious ("hilarious" in chicago lingo)

chain email from my mother:

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill justbecause he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

You better rec-a-nize

Here they are. Feel free to argue, but you are wrong.

\\






loving Chicago,
amk

"Men should be like coffee: hot, sweet, and strong."
-Dutch Proverb