ALSO!!!!

This is the kind of thing that would only happen to me; a typical AliKelly Story.

So, I know that Valentine's Day is a stupid Hallmark holiday. But I had just ended things with SBF, so I wanted to go out that night. On a date- something I've never done before. Because our generation doesn't really date, right? Or is that just me?

Anyways...

I knew this guy was interested in me, so I dropped a few hints and got him to ask me out Saturday. He seemed like a good enough guy to spend time at dinner with- he's good looking, 6'4", in the Honors program, his dad's a doctor, etc. Seems too good to be true, right? Well, like Linda Kelly says, "If It seems too good to be true, it is. It always is." Yet another time I should have yielded to my mother's grand advice.

But no. In true AliKelly fashion, I throw caution to the wind and decide that this could be a fun adventure.

Saturday night: He shows up at my apartment with a single rose and a bottle of red. I try to stifle my laughter at such a cliche.

I SHOULD ALSO MENTION that aside from being in a class together, this is the first time we've spent time together. I don't know him, he doesn't know me.

Anyways, we have some wine while he makes weird little observations about my apartment/life:

"I like your cat. His pattern...of his hair...fur...is really nice."
"Your toenails look nice. Very refreshing. Because they're painted.... white? Pink?"
"Do you like flowers? [because i already had a vase of flowers on the coffee table] Because I was just guessing that you did." [Oh, you mean you didn't already know that it was customary to bring flowers to a girl on a date? You thought you were taking a stab in the dark? Where you standing in the store trying to decide between a single red rose or a box of Ritz crackers?]
"So, do you like Paris? I've been to Hawaii." [What? I don't see the correlation between Paris and Hawaii. I absolutely cannot hold a conversation with you, and am going to begin drinking faster].

So anyways, we go to dinner at a little wine bar a few blocks away. I tell him I deferred for the semester. He judges me, and says he can't help it because he is old fashioned. Then proceeds to tell me that he commonly yells at and belittles his brother-in-law for not making more money than his sister. Because men should be the breadwinners- always.

I say, "So, then you must not respect that I deferred for a semester so that I can pay for school."
Bastard: "No, not really. Your parents should just pay for school anyways."

[Chugging martini, staring at either ceiling or plate].

I try to change the subject.

Me: "How did you end up at Loyola anyways?"
Bastard: "I don't know."
[Give me something to work with here! Say something normal- or at least not boring/offensive!] "Well, where else did you apply?"
"UPenn, Chapel Hill, Syracuse, Columbia. You?"
"I only applied out of state, so Loyola, Towson in Maryland, Lynchburg in Virginia, Clemson in South Carolina, and NYU."
"Oh, I applied to NYU, too."
"Yeah, why didn't you go there?"
"I got waitlisted."
"Oh."
"What about you?"
"It was too expensive."
"Wait- you got in?"
"Yes... oh wait. You're surprised, aren't you? First you judged me for deferring, and now you're surprised that I got into a school you didn't get into. You thought I was dumb!"
"Well, I mean, you deferred from school."
"So wait- if you thought I was dumb, then why would you want to take me out? To you, I'm just a pretty face, aren't I?"
"I wanted to take you out because I'm okay with you just being a pretty face. But now I know you're smart too, so tonight just got a lot better."

OMFG. I CANNOT CATCH A BREAK WITH THIS IDIOTIC, JUDGMENTAL, NAIVE, OVER-PRIVILEGED PRICK!

Cut to the end of the night, as he's walking me home telling me how awesome it is that he's tall because I can wear heels and we can be a tall power couple. ughhhhhhhhh.

I try to run inside my door, but he spins be around and "kisses" me. By "kisses" I mean tries to eat my face. I mean, like he had a lamprey-like suction on my face from my nostrils to my chin. I now have eau de twatwaffle ALLLL OVVEERRRR MY FACE.

Now, I had to work at 11pm (my second job is as a bartender at Hamilton's, Loyola's college bar).

Twatwaffle: "I'll come see you later at work, okay?"
Me: "You really don't have to do that. It will be dead. Really, don't come. There is no need."
TW: "Oh, I'm coming. See you later."
Me: "Ugh, Fine. Bye."

I have given NO signals that I appreciate his company or like him in the least bit. Not-a-one.

I get to work and text him that its totally dead and that he DOES NOT need to come. He responds with, "Babe, I just made some pizza with my roommates, and I'l be there in a while. I already want to see you again ;o)"

I'M SORRY, WHAT?!?!?! DID YOU JUST CALL ME "BABE" AND THEN USE AN EMOTICON??????????? I HATE YOU. PURE AND SIMPLE.

He shows up. In a Bulls jersey and jeans. Yes, a tank top in a bar on saturday night. WHY??? He then sits with my roommates and every time I looked at their table, he would make eye contact with me and BLOW ME AIR KISSES. FROM ACROSS THE BAR. AIR KISSES.

ARE YOU GETTING THIS? ONE DINNER DATE TOGETHER, AND AN HOUR LATER HE'S SITTING 20 FEET AWAY IN A TANK TOP BLOWING ME AIR KISSES. i absolutely hate my life and am wondering where the hidden cameras are.

My roommate comes over to tell me that whenever somebody comes up to their table to say hello, Twatwaffle points at me and says, "I'm dating her."

WTF. I WANT TO CUT MYSELF. SERIOUSLY. SELF MUTILATION WOULD FEEL SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE PRESENCE OF THIS CRAZYPANTS.

The icing on the cake:

He gets up and walks past me at the bar to go to the bathroom. As he walks by, he mouths out, "I love you."

seriously.

absorb that.


The next night, Nital dictated a text for me to send to him, saying I wasn't interested. It was very simple and to the point. Something like, "Thanks for dinner last night, but I think I'm just going to focus on myself right now. I need some time to myself. See you around campus."

His response?

"What did I do wrong?"





eat that up.

only in alikelly's life,
amk

"Ugh! He was so gross and bad! It was such a terrible night!"
Manager at CPK: "Did you get free dinner and drinks out of it?"
"Yes"
"Okay then."