I need therapy

It's 2:30AM and I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about how miserable this summer was. I didn't exactly bottle my emotions this summer- Kate, Emily, or Phil could vouch for that- but I never completely expressed them to the people who should have heard them. Because I find writing therapeutic and this summer really broke me, this is going to be a long (super-ridiculous-when-is-this-going-to-end-stop-whining) post.

I knew this summer was going to be different. Matt and his disciples were gone we had new bosses. Aware that it wasn't all going to be sunshine and kittens like my first summer, I was unaware that my nine weeks would be full of frustration/crying/rage. I have lots of issues; let's sort them out.

Resident Camp Director: At the mission team weekend in March everybody seemed to like him; everybody but me. I saw that he only interacted with the guys and didn't make an effort to get to know his new staff. He also really hit the wrong note with me when he got drunk at the bar; Kitty and I were having a conversation when he walked up and started talking to Kitty. I finished the sentence I had started before he interrupted me, and when I did this, he palmed my face and pushed me telling me to get out of their conversation. New boss, never spoken, just shaken his hand, and he grabs my face and pushes me. NOT IMPRESSED. Then there was the time during O.E. when Toodles and I had to work trail rides and were at the barn from 7am to 7pm every day. Everybody else had four night activites and Toodles and I had something like eight or nine. We told RCD we needed an extra set of hands so he turned aroud to everybody and said, "Who wants to make an extra $50 tonight?" Obviously Toodles and I were upset and said we should get an extra $50 for the extra time and he said no, that we were just doing our jobs. He got snappy, I yelled a little bit, told him to find somebody to replace me for the night as well and left the dining hall. My outburst earned me a conversation in the conference room with JC, Shelly, and Ryan. Basically, "We support him, and we need you to support him too. We are all a team..." There were a lot of issues between RCD and I, probably stemming from the fact that he knew I didn't respect him... and honestly I think I put a little bit of fear in him. There was also a situation involving twelve Girl Scouts on horses in the barnyard, two bulldozers and a dump truck entering the ring, and me hunting down RCD, Barn Director, and Exec. Director demanding to know who okay'ed it. I got three blank stares and, "We didn't know." That wasn't good enough for me so I turned around without a word and walked away. In my opinion, somebody should have known what was going on in their camp.

Executive Director: I will give him credit for trying very hard to make me happy. He gave me almost everything I asked for and told me how excited he was for my new program. He took my suggestions to heart, and constantly asked for and followed my advice. He told me he was "grooming me to be the Ranch Director next summer," but that leads me to my next character to bitch about...

Barn Director: This position was unfilled until two weeks before camp started. I offered to do it in April and May when they had no luck filling it, but Associate Exec told me just to focus on my coordinator position. That was all a very cruel joke. Let me begin.
Barn Director had some random job- assistant to RCD- but he was also given the Barn Director posiiton (which he didn't want). Because of position #1, he said that he would not be around much during the first two weeks (MIDICHA). He stopped in for a few minutes once or twice a day and helped set up the speakers for the Friday rodeo. This became a summer-long trend, except for the speakers part. The easiest way to show the responsibilities of the BD this summer is to list them:

A Complete List of Responsibilities of the Ranch Director, Summer 2007
1. calling ferrier (after staff tells you to) and holding horse as ferrier works
2. calling vet (after staff tells you to) and not bothering to come down to talk to him
3. making rodeo program/showing up to rodeo
4. helping throw hay, if you feel like it
5. maybe repairing some tack- if you can figure it out. if not just leave a note for the coordinator.

Mishaps (that i fixed) caused by the fact that BD was a lazy piece of shit:
1. running out of feed... seriously
2. running out of hay
3. running out of flex ("horse arthritis medicine")
4. electric fence torn down for 5 days (because he didn't physically go to the barn for that length of time- i didn't tell him because i wanted to see how long it would take him to figure it out)
5. the COUNTLESS times i had to track down BD to help me throw hay, finding him playing WoW in his office
6. forgetting on a weeky basis to remind Leslie for Rodeo cookies and punch (I always remembered to ask in time and got the good suff, however BD forgot to ask for Day Camp so they always got orange juice and oreos. he never figured out why.)

Seriously, all you have to do for feed and hay is tell Dee when you are low, she re-orders it, and it is delivered to the barn. We got down to one days-worth of hay and I asked her if BD told her to re-order. Nope. One morning I was scratching the bottom of the feed bin- asked Dee when the order was coming in and she said she didn't know it was low. After the first week and a half, I picked up "supply management" duties. BD also never felt the need to clean water troughs (which should be drained and refilled every 3 or so days) so after 8 days, I finally did them all myself, and then every 3 or 4 days for the rest of the summer.

The two most horrible events of the summer are the two things that will keep me from returning.

1. One day, as I was walking through the office I overheard (not snooping- the walls are paper thin) Day Camp Director in Executive Director's office, going over a list of concerns from his ranch staff. I stopped to listen because the first issue I heard him describe was completely false. And the next one. And the next one. He was rattling off one falsehood after another, all things that had to do with the job I was doing. I was so upset I walked into Res. Camp. Dir's office, where Programs Coordinator was sitting, and just broke down. She went to ED's office, then came back and took me in. Some of the accusations I heard/remember:
1. Didn't feed the horses
2. Didn't hay the horses
3. Didn't give supplements regularly
4. Didn't give pig & goat their pills
5. saddled and rode horse that had a huge, seeping gash on his side
6. res. staff rode during the horses' rest time
7. rode old horses too fast- going to kill them
I personally: poured feed every morning and night, hayed the horses every night, poured the supplements every morning, gave the pig and goat their pills and supplements every morning, made sure the gash healed before we saddled the horse, know that my staff did not ride at inappropriate times, know that the horse we rode "too fast" was ridden the same way by the day camp staff. Every accusation they made was false, and every accusation was something that I was personally responsible for. I didn't understand why Day Camp Director didn't check the facts before feeding my reputation to the dogs by going straight to Exec. Dir.

2. One week I was overbooked by two kids, and suddenly down a counselor who had to leave for a family emergency. I acted as the fifth counselor (it takes five counselors to run the program), and didn't expect BD to come help. One evening we had Special Friends coming for pony rides, during which I did expect BD to come, as we would have nearly 100 people at the ranch. Here is the situation: I am running my program down a counselor, Special Friend's host didn't come to help lead horses, somebody else refused to, so I had one logistics person to help. I called everybody in my cell who worked at camp. Nobody anwered. I was desperate, couldn't leave, couldn't get help, and had 30 ranch kids and 70 Special Friends. I had to put my trail ride kids in the ring with another group to do relays, take my other trail ride counselor to Special Friends and ask one of their volunteers to lead. So, 15 kids in one ring, 7 in the other, 8 kids in a barn lesson, 70 adults waiting for a ride, and four horses. My plan was to use 6. BD knew that Special Friends was coming AND that I was missing staff, but was nowhere to be found. In the end, we got everybody through in an hour, and promised the trail kids they would be first the next day. Logistically, everything worked out fine. However, I was on a quest to find BD. I walked straight from the barn to the health center basement, where I could see his desk from a window outside. He was sitting at his desk playing World of Warcraft. I didn't confront him, but had there been a loaded gun nearby, there would have been bloodshed. When I explained the situation to Associate Exec. Director, I was told, "We know you work hard down there. How about you make a list of suggestions for next summer?" That was the solution.

Here is the root of my problem: if I am going to do something, I am going to do it well; if my name is going to be attached to something, I want it to have a good reputation. I am a perfectionist. BD is not. If something is broken, I fix it; dirty, I clean it. BD had the astonishing ability to look past broken equipment and mosquito-larvae-filled troughs, broken fences, and hooves in need of repair. I am not bitter because I did not have the title; I am bitter and resentful because I didn't have complete authority. I am bitter because I had to do somebody's job after being told I couldn't handle the position. I am bitter because I kicked ass at the job I was told I couldn't handle. I am bitter because I went above and beyond, and everybody noticed and thanked me-except for those who sat in offices.

Not to say that I do the job for the glory or pats on the back from bosses. It was just the single, most frustrating 9 weeks of my life. And also not to say that I didn't break down and cry and throw fits and tell my friends I was leaving.

I guess I just wish I'd had fun this summer, because I was sensational at my job. I revamped the program and started new traditions that the kids got excited about. My triumphs:
1. Found a different company to order custom-designed medals from: spent $1,200 less on ranch medals than in 2006
2. My summer at the barn received the fewest complaints of any other year
3. Spent my time off during O.E. to clean up and repair things at the barn; planted a flower garden, painted bunny hutch, hung new dry erase boards, hung horse-shoe hooks so kid's belongings weren't strewn on floor/benches, convinced Surge to build a new bench, threw out 10 old saddles from hay loft, made a barn lesson classroom in the hayloft, cleaned barn office, painted every horse's name (in very cute lettering, I might add) at their hitching post, and more.
4. New Traditions:
a. Sultan's Shoe- horseshoe nailed to the wall with name plate; tell kids story about what an amazing horse Sultan was, rub it for good luck. (yes, Matt, picked Sultan in honor of you).
b. Cowpoke Society- secret society all ranch kids were in, everybody got their own straw cowboy hat to show membership. had to say The Vows of the Cowpoke Society ("I promise to love the dirt on my face, the hay in my hair, and the poop on my shoes... yada yada") with right hand in the air. Counselors "knighted" them with the hat, placed it on their head.
c. The Tumbleweed Gang- a saddle emblazoned with "The Tumbleweed Gang Est. 2007" that campers got to sign if they fell off- but only members of the Cowpoke Society could sign.
d. Porch Time- after unsaddling in the evening, ranchers went to the ranch cabin porch for snack instead of the dining hall. played with horses, blasted country music, played cards, ran around in the grass, watched the beautiful sunsets.
e. my counselors also made up so really cute songs with the kids that i'm sure will stick around.
f. gave names to the arena's: The O.K. Corral and Buffalo Bill's Arena. I also started referring to the trail from the ranch down the pasture to Back Pasture as Ali's Alley. It caught on.

I guess I will end on that note. The good things. I'm such a narcissist.

peace, love, and ponies.

"I have seen the others
and I have discovered
that this fight is not worth fighting"
-you know who